She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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