There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
