and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
