before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
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