quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize