man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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