you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
