pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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