if you like me you must not know who I am
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
