My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My vagina just clenched in fear
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