the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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