Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
