i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize