Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
God, I missed his penis.
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