My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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