Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I AM VODKA MAN
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize