When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
