I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
