ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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