just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize