woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
