atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
