Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
