Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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