where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Green mimosas i think yes
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
