i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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