he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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