Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
