She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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