Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
