I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
