I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
