She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Rumble strips road head = magical
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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