I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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