he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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