the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
