i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
