I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
