it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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