who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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