dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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