that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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