I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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