I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
