I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize