if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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