well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
