Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
