you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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