i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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