The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
