If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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