i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You're a waste of cheezeits
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
