guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
