Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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