my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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