that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
