she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
