i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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