my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
