Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
